It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
