Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
