This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
