You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
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just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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