I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
