My liver just broke up with me...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.