He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
