I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
