You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
