Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
