I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
