Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
