Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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