Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
