I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
