I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
