It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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