If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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