Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
