I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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