I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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