The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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