You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
