i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
