someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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