i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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