why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
