I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
