Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
