i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
