So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
