You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
