That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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