Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
