my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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