my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
