My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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