I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
