Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
