I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
