So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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