I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
