I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
