On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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