grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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