I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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