i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Your dad touched me again.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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