I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
