I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
