I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
