with your own penis?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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