Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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