I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
