I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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