Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
